Lie No. 12 | 10.28.18

Closing this out—at least for now—in the same, but wildly different, place it began.
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To the friends + strangers who played along each week: Let’s keep swapping stories, experiences, tips, book + podcast recs. It’s helped more than you’ll ever know.
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To the 97% of you who don’t get it + never will: Your long national nightmare is over.
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Here’s the thing: What started as a professional exploration quickly veered down a personal path. When I’ve found myself at these intersections in the past, I keep going without daring to even look. This time was different. I let myself look + willingly made the turn. I’m so glad I did.
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Selfishly, I brought you along. Brave enough to make the turn, but too scared to go alone. Maybe I tricked you into it, the unspoken promise of the sarcasm + mockery you expect from me here. Don’t feel bad, I fell for it, too. The original 1st installment of Lies was f*cking hilarious—until I called myself out on my own bs. There’s no amount of humor that can make certain tragedies funny. A 24 year old putting Carmex under her eyes to induce tears in a church bathroom at her grandfather’s funeral—a grandfather she loved dearly—after forgetting how to feel entirely following a devastating discovery a few months earlier; not so funny. Excitedly buying that same grandfather a Christmas gift some months later only to remember he’d died just in time to tell the Ralph Lauren cashier to make the card out to someone else, someone who deserved that poetically perfect, punch-in-the-face of a present; I thought it was funny at the time. It breaks my damn heart now.
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I recently learned the difference between observation + feeling. Yeah, yeah, How To Be Human 101. I am a master observer. It’s what makes me a great researcher. Feelings? Child, please. It’s easier to leave them out of it. At least, it was. I don’t want to be an observer only anymore. For the first time ever, that sounds way worse than the alternative.
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So, this is my thank you note to you, for helping me be brave. On Monday, I stopped lying to my therapist. It wasn’t pretty, but it was pretty wonderful.