my mother will never validate me

—anonymous | 10.20.20

What am I grieving? That my mother will never validate me. 

That I wasn’t mothered the way I needed to be. 

That I can be a different mother to my children than she was and is to me. 

That I never got validation and love, despite doing everything by the book, and never will. 

That I can’t rely on her to tell me I’ve done a good job, that she’s proud, that she sees the hard things I do and admires me for it. 

I have to grieve that, tell my child-self that I’m sorry I didn’t get that, and to continue on doing the “next right thing” without the motherly stamp-of-approval that I crave but will never get.