to drink or not to drink?

—anonymous | D.C. | 10.05.20

I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night.

But that’s not my lie. That’s my litmus test for drinking too much. It’s the first thing I ask myself every day. Most mornings I can quickly remember what we had for dinner right away, others it takes a few eye rubs before it comes to me. But it always comes to me.

My lie is that I drink too much. Well, I guess it’s that I tell myself I don’t drink too much when I know I really do. I don’t have a therapist but it’s the lie I tell myself, which I gather is more or less the same thing.

I have a drinking problem. I must, right? It’s funny. I came on here planning to write about how I bury myself in my work, especially when everything else is spinning out of my control. It’s my favorite way of escaping. The busier I make myself, the less time there is for anything else. But then I failed my own pop quiz and it’s all I can think about. 

I’ve been up for hours now and still cannot think up even so much as the type of food consumed and cleaned up in my own kitchen. Did we have Thai? Italian? Burgers and hotdogs? 

I run through this test every morning before the sun or anyone else in the house is up. Somehow though, without fail, several hours later I’m already convinced there’s nothing really wrong with this picture.

It’s pretty harmless in the grand scheme. I don’t get hungover. I’m not addicted to drinking, I’m not an alcoholic. I’ve stopped drinking countless long stretches and never have any issues quitting. But I’d also really like to remember what I had for dinner last night.

I don’t drink to escape or to numb like you always hear people with drinking problems do. I drink to stop pretending.

It’s such a relief to be able to let it all hang out after a drink or two. I get to stop caring about everything and everyone else for a minute! Sometimes I even say exactly what I’m thinking.

Plus, I don’t drink during the day. I don’t drink till I get sick. I don’t drink too much, according to my doctor (assuming he knows to add that extra drink or two my reported tally leaves out). I’m not reckless. I’d never drive. I’m not stumbling around or slurring. No one is staging an intervention. I’m not a danger to anyone around me. My family doesn’t notice it. I’m only just now realizing how much I hide it, which probably doesn’t help. 

Is not remembering what I ate for dinner the night before on a random nothing of a weeknight even a rock bottom? Is it a problem without a rock bottom?

I joke with friends about calling it quits for good, or even just turning it down a notch.

“Hahahaha! With everything on your plate? You deserve those drinks. You earn them.” 

“We’re in a pandemic!”

“In this election cycle, are you crazy?! Just get through November then think about it!”

These are the kinds of responses I get when I throw the idea out there, usually even after I’m several glasses of wine deep. Maybe I shouldn’t be seeking approval from people in more or less the same boat as me.

I’m smart enough to know it’s not the drinking that’s the problem. So what is the problem? Is it that I feel helpless and less like me when I’m not drinking? I’m literally in charge of everything so that doesn’t really make sense. Is it that I don’t trust myself to be myself without the help of alcohol? Maybe. I’ve thought a lot about this since I started reading Lies. About the masks we wear, about all these socially acceptable avoidance tactics. Hell, workaholic and functioning alcoholic are practically rewarded. Maybe that’s the problem.

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[Ed. note: The above post came through the first prompt’s submission form a few weeks ago, the one about socially sanctioned disassociation drugs of choice. The following update came through this past week.]

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Hi! Thank you so much for creating this space. I’m not sure you accept updates to posts after the fact especially anonymous ones but I wanted to follow up. I’m the one who couldn’t remember what I had for dinner the night before the other week. (Omg) That’s still so embarrassing. But I had to tell you that this week’s prompt about unseen grief broke me open. In the weirdest way possible I just wanted to thank you for that. Not the breaking me open part (haha!) but for helping snap me into seeing what the real problem is.

When I first wrote in here about drinking I knew there was something deeper and maybe I wasn’t ready to see that but after journaling about the things I’ve never taken the time to grieve, I’m realizing the role something entirely unrelated plays in reaching for that drink at the end of the day. I’m not ready to get into it here but maybe I will be eventually!

What’s crazy is even after I wrote in about drinking until I didn’t remember what I had fed my family for dinner the night before (!!!!), I still kept drinking and kind of hated myself for it. But it did feel like such a relief to have gotten this “confession” off my chest.

I haven’t been drinking so far this week, I’ve had a lot more compassion for myself and why I was reaching for those drinks in the first place. Oh! I’m meeting with a therapist for the first time next week. I’m also starting this 1,000 hours challenge on Instagram starting October 1st. It’s basically 42 days without drinking, I think it’s meant to be a reset or even a way to stop drinking altogether. We’ll see where it goes but pretty proud of myself in just the last few weeks. Thanks again for creating this non-traditional space and community!!