Lie No. 1 | 08.19.18
I’m a pretty closed book, heavily edited at best, even in therapy. I’ve been researching vulnerability + it got me thinking about a social experiment of sorts for the place most of us present our least vulnerable + most edited selves: here. The posts from pretty places aren’t going anywhere—esp this week—but once a week I’ll share a vignette that’s a bit less edited + I really hope you’ll share here, too. Or don’t; then we can pretend this never happened + it’ll give me something new to talk to my therapist about. Maybe. #LiesIveToldMyTherapist
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I’ve been going to therapy off and on for the better part of two decades, but I don’t tell the truth. I don’t lie in the fabrication sense; omission is the name of my lying game. I give therapists my highlight reels, you know, the social media version.
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Only once, ~10 years ago, did I lay it all out there (the facts, not the feelings, never the feelings) in therapy. When I came up for air after what felt like a dramatic reading of the latest chapter of my tell-all, the woman sitting across from me was crying. I handed her the tissues and didn’t shed a tear over it for another 9 years. (Fast forward to today as I teared up to Mary Steenburgen tap dancing to Meatloaf on an in-flight flick. IDK.) I honestly think that first session was the last time we really talked about me, which was more than fine by me. I’d say how things were so.much.better. each session, then I’d ask how she was doing + we’d talk about her. Super weird to think about now, but I felt bad for making this sweet, old lady cry, plus I think she was really lonely. She appreciated the role reversal and I the space to sufficiently compartmentalize my shit. She ended up moving to live closer to her daughter. I ended up down a therapist and sans solution for the secret I took to her office that first visit; a secret that didn’t belong to me + should’ve never been saddled to me in the first place. If her reax was a preview of what would happen if I unleashed it, I’d rather stash it, forget it and everything will be fine. Just like me. Isn’t everyone?
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Are you an open book or more guarded?
Is this the worst idea I’ve ever had?